This morning, when I arrived at work, Loud Guy was waiting for me. He badly wants to be my friend, even though I can't stand him. I was in a pissy mood yesterday so I didn't talk to him. Determined to get back on my good side (on which he never has been, by the way), he found me as soon as I walked in.
Loud Guy: HEY, I DIDN'T TALK TO YOU YESTERDAY. HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?
Me: It was fine, I didn't do much besides lay around and watch football.
LG: I BET YOUR WIFE WASN'T TOO HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
Me: Well, she had to work so she wasn't around too much, but if she had been home she would have watched with me. She likes football.
LG: NO WAY! MY WIFE HATES IT. SHE ONLY LETS ME WATCH ONE GAME PER WEEK.
Me: How does she only "let" you watch one game per week? How did that exact rule come to be?
LG: WELL, NOT LONG AFTER WE GOT MARRIED SHE WAS MAD BECAUSE I WATCHED FOOTBALL ALL DAY. WE GOT INTO A FIGHT AND SHE SAID, "FROM HERE ON OUT, YOU ONLY GET TO WATCH ONE GAME PER WEEK."
Me: And you just went with it? How does she enforce this rule? What if you watch more than one game?
LG: I LEARNED THE HARD WAY. SHE MAKES MY LIFE MISERABLE IF I DO.
Me: How?
LG: YELLS, SCREAMS, THROWS A FIT, REFUSES TO COOK DINNER. IT'S JUST EASIER TO DO WHAT SHE SAYS.
It's usually not cool to talk bad about a guy's wife right in front of him, but I felt like I should say something about what I had just heard. As I searched for the proper words, the Conspiracy Theorist, who had been listening, interjected.
"Dude, your wife is a cunt."
Most guys would take offense to someone calling their wife a cunt, even if it was true. But Loud Guy, so beaten down from years of marriage to that cunt, just nodded in agreement and walked away.
