Phantom of My Office

In a perfect world, any place that I spend significant amounts of time will be filled with people who likes me and generally seek out my company, and do not annoy me to the point of wanting to hurt myself or others. Sadly, aside from a select few places, I have not had luck in finding such comfortable situations. Far too often, the place in question will suck and I will do anything to get my time there done with and leave. As a result, I have developed a defense mechanism where, if I am forced to routinely go to a place that I do not want to be, I make myself as inconspicuous as possible to the point where most people don't even realize I am around. My reason for this is simple: If the place sucks, I don't want to be hassled, be it by professors, bosses, classmates, co-workers, or whoever. I want to do my time in peace and leave as soon as I possibly can.

This strategy was wildly successful in law school. Unfortunately, my last job was with a very small company with overbearing bosses, so I was never able to adequately hide myself and avoid the hassling that I so despise. My new job, however, is with a much larger company. There are always lots of people around, and a lot going on. As soon as I realized that the people there sucked, and that I wouldn't have much fun being at work, I decided it was time to just blend into the walls. Here is my strategy:

• See everything but say nothing. I am a great observer. I know all about everything that is going on, but I seldom ever make myself heard. This way I always know what is going on without having to actually ask people what is going on.
  
• Do good work. This way a poor performance will never catch the eye of any higher-ups and bring about unwanted monitoring by managers.
• Don't do great work. If I did, then I might be constantly used as an example of great work product and be charged with training new people or giving my insights to current co-workers. If this were a test, I would be shooting for a B+ or A-, depending on the curve.
  
• Don't say hello to anyone in the morning. This only calls attention to my presence. I prefer just to come in and sit down and be there, without making a commotion. If someone walks by and says "Oh, didn't see you come in," I have done well.
  
• Never say goodbye to anyone when I leave for the day. This is obvious, but nothing says inconspicuous like just slipping out the door. It will be a while before anyone notices I am gone, if they notice at all.
• Don't talk during meetings unless asked something. Another obvious one, but important nonetheless. No one likes people who talk, especially if it's not their meeting to talk in.
  
• Be anti-social. Some people might have a problem with this, but I only talk to people who I have to talk to--bosses, people I am working together on something with, people who sit near me--and I never say much more than I need to. There are still about 10 people in my department whom I have never spoken to, six months into my tenure. Maybe they think I am a stuck up ass, but in reality, they probably don't give me any regard at all.

So is this all working? It seemed to be, but I wasn't sure until I got some confirmation recently. They hired a new guy in my department the first week of May. Naturally, I never introduced myself to him. Then the other day, he happened to be in the break room at the same time I was, and he stuck out his hand. "Hey, my name is Dave (Lastname)," he said in a friendly tone. "What department do you work in?"

"Same department as you," I told him, almost giddy with his lack of recognition. "I'm Mike (Lastname)."

"You're Mike (Lastname)?" he said, in disbelief. "I always see your name on emails to the department, but I never knew who you were. How have I never seen you before?"

"Beats me," I said, barely able to hide the grin on my face.